Bitch - Be My Slave / Damnation Alley

(Metal Blade Records, 1982/83 - Issued together on one CD in 1989)

This is another one of those, "hey, it's $1.99, why not?" random used bin / internet sale purchases. And I have to wonder if Betsy Weiss had a happy childhood. If she had loving parents who supported her all the way in whatever she chose to do. Maybe they got her voice lessons, in the hope that she may someday become a famous singer or an actress on Broadway. Maybe they even bought her a pony at some point. And if all this is true, I wonder just how hard they disowned her when she decided to make her living throughout most of the 1980s by singing songs about how much she likes to be tied up and beaten in a band called "Bitch." But yeah, as you could have guessed, this is gimmicky early 80s L.A. nightclub bullshit. But as far as gimmicky early 80s L.A. nightclub bullshit goes, it's kind of catchy and really not all that bad, and certainly not as lacking in redeeming qualities as someone like The Cycle Sluts From Hell. Musically, it exists somewhere between Judas Priest and 70s punk rock, resulting in something that's not polished enough to be glam rock, but too slow, bluesy, and not-very-heavy to be thrash metal. Vocally, Betsy Bitch does her job well, I suppose, but at times, it feels like she'd be better at show tunes than heavy metal, if that makes any sense. This is actually two releases on one CD, but the 1982 Damnation Alley E.P. really doesn't sound any different whatsoever from what's on Be My Slave, although it does earn bonus points for being named after a movie where George Peppard battles giant, apocalyptic scorpions. Anyway, this is pretty decent overall, but you'll never want to admit to anyone that you ever even listened to it all the way through, much less bought a copy, even for $1.99. Oh god, what have I done...

Track Listing:

(1-10: Be My Slave)
1. Right From the Start
2. Be My Slave
3. Leatherbound
4. Riding in Thunder
5. Save You From the World
6. Heavy Metal Breakdown
7. Gimme a Kiss
8. In Heat
9. Make it Real (Make it Rock)
10. World War III
(11-15: Damnation Alley)
11. Saturdays
12. Never Come Home
13. Damnation Alley
14. He's Gone
15. Live for the Whip

Judas Priest - Turbo

(CBS Records, 1986)
Hoo boy. Things start out ugly on this one, with "Turbo Lover" sounding like some 80s techno thing that's as disturbingly catchy as it is not very good. And that pretty much sums up this album. It sucks and gets stuck in your head, creating the sucky gift that keeps on fucking giving. Seriously, I love Judas Priest and all, but for the most part this blows. I'm not sure if there was label pressure to have a hit song or if it was all "OMG SELLOUT JP SUXORS," but this whole album seems to wobble back and forth between weak synth-pop and the worst kind of glammy arena rock that you would totally beat the crap out of if you could somehow make it manifest itself in human form. This is like what Dokken would be like if they had keyboards and Rob Halford, who totally wouldn't be able to offset the stupid keyboards. And it doesn't help matters much for the album cover to apparently depict someone gripping what appears to be some sort of peppermint wang. I guess it just goes to show you...



Track Listing:
1. Turbo Lover
2. Locked In
3. Private Property
4. Parental Guidance
5. Rock You Around the World
6. Out in the Cold
7. Wild Nights, Hot & Crazy Days
8. Hot for Love
9. Reckless
(And I'm assuming modern versions have bonus tracks)

Blood for Blood - Serenity

(2004, Thorp Records)
It's kind of funny. In the world of hardcore punk, the usual standard operating procedure seems to be for bands to put out albums of 15+ two-minute-or-less songs at a pace of about one every couple years. Yet somehow, Blood for Blood has only managed two full-length releases in over a decade. Well, the bad news is that this is another EP, totaling nine tracks, with the first just being a few seconds of talking, and the second and final tracks being almost identical filler intro/outro things, leaving you with about fourteen minutes of worthwhile new material. The good news is that this might be the best thing Blood for Blood ever put out. It's a little lighter and more laid-back than previous stuff, but that's not to say this isn't still heavy and pissed-off, it's just heavy and pissed-off in different ways. There's a little more street punk and old-fashioned rocking going on here, and it works well to separate them from all the other guys out there yelling and pretending to not be heavy metal bands. Lyrically, this is similar to older Blood for Blood, with the key word being bleak. Urban blight, ("Hanging on the Corner") suicide, ("My Jesus Mercy") drug addiction, ("City Boy") and the fact that their musical genre hopelessly sucks ("Live the Lie") are all explored here, and you get the feeling these aren't happy dudes. Another departure here is that White Trash Rob (the higher-pitched, kinda nasally, incredibly Boston-sounding guy) seems to handle the bulk of the vocal duties, with Buddha (deep, growly, not quite as Boston-sounding fat guy) doing more backing vocals, which is weird, because the when one guy plays an instrument and the other just sings, it's usually the other way around. But hey, whatever works, and it works really well. And somewhere along the line, they manage to throw a cover of Del Shannon's 1961 hit "Runaway" into the mix, which when done in Blood for Blood's own style, somehow manages to to sound natural next to everything else on here. If there's any problem I could have with this, it's that I wish there were like ten more songs worth of it. And hey, if you're not a downloading cheapskate, you get neat Enhanced CD stuff, too, which includes a "making of" video, outtakes from said video, a photo gallery, a dedication to Steven Caruso, (the guy that "My Jesus Mercy" is about) and instrumental demo versions of most of the tracks on the album. Overall, this rules.

Track Listing:

1. A Prayer to the Night Sky
2. Serenity
3. Hanging on the Corner
4. Live the Lie
5. A Rock N' Roll Song
6. My Jesus Mercy
7. Runaway
8. City Boy
9. Serenity (Reprise)

Judas Priest - British Steel

(1980, Epic Records)

Oh man. This will probably be the most in-depth Judas Priest review I do, since this is the one I've owned the longest, listened to the most, and probably think is the most awesome. I mean seriously, if you've ever been in a car, listening to "Breaking the Law" on a dubbed cassette and you DIDN'T stop whatever you were doing to sing along with the chorus, you can't be my friend, and I am being serious. And it doesn't let up from there. Well, maybe a little, but "Rapid Fire" is awesome. And then, there's "Metal Gods," and they could probably sue the guy who wrote The Terminator for stealing their song to make a movie out of, and "Grinder" is really good if you can resist giggling at lines like "no more straight and narrow" and "looking for meat," now that you know Rob Halford likes dudes. And United is kind of cheesy, but it sounds like something that should be played over the closing credits of some stereotypical 80s movie, and that's never a bad thing. And "Living After Midnight," which is the song they put on the greatest hits stuff most of all, shows us once again that absolutely no one - NO ONE - does the "let's all go out and rock and roll party, yeah" song better than Judas Priest. And after that, it kind of drags for the last three songs, but those are still quite listenable, and most people's albums hit the wall after like four tracks, so shut up, Judas Priest rules. You require this CD, record, or tape immediately.

Track Listing:

1. Breaking the Law
2. Rapid Fire
3. Metal Gods
4. Grinder
5. United
6. Living After Midnight
7. You Don't Have to Be Old to Be Wise
8. The Rage
9. Steeler
(And if you buy it these days, there's a bonus track or two. Hey.)

Savage - Loose 'N Lethal

(1983, Ebony Records - Reissued on CD in 1997 on Neat Metal Records)

Boy, these guys sure got the shit end of the stick. Way back in the day, they were one of the hottest things going in the "New Wave of British Heavy Metal" movement, (with the two biggest probably being Def Leppard and Iron Maiden, for reference) and were destined to become big-time superstars, with swimming pools and hot chicks and all that kind of stuff. The only problem is that their management never bothered to tell the band that imports of their albums were selling like hotcakes in the US and actually turned down several offers from major labels like RCA, for some unknown reason. As a result, the only reason anyone outside of a few metal nerds here and there might have even the slightest hint of a chance of having heard of Savage is because Metallica used to play "Let it Loose" and "Dirty Money" live, way back in the early 80s. Bummer. Anyway, after seeing a bunch if places pimp this as some sort of lost classic, I decided to pick it up when I found the Metal Blade-distributed Neat Metal re-release for like five bucks, brand new. And while I'm not sure if I'd go so far as to call this an all-time classic, I'll definitely go so far as to call it really good. They kind of sound like a heavier version of early Iron Maiden, with a lot of "galloping" guitar riffs and a style that's definitely heavy metal by any standard, but not quite so far removed from traditional rock roots. Actually, it sounds a lot like a slower, more melodic Kill 'Em All era Metallica in some ways, which makes sense, with them being one of Metallica's biggest influences at the time. It's all topped nicely by the vocals, which don't differ a whole lot from what most old-school metal bands at the time were doing, but with a little more balls in the dude's voice and no reliance on operatic high notes. If there is a problem with this album, it's the production, though. There's this sort of buzz on everything that either sounds like you're listening to a late-generation dub of a cassette demo or you have cheap paper speakers that have been ripped to hell, and it can get annoying after a while. Aside from that, this is pretty awesome, and it's a total bummer that we never got to see what these guys could do with major-label budgets and production. If I still had my old 280Z, I would grow a mullet and blast "Let it Loose" in there with the windows rolled down like all the time.

Track Listing:
1. Let it Loose
2. Cry Wolf
3. Berlin
4. Dirty Money
5. Ain't No Fit Place
6. On the Rocks
7. The China Run
8. White Hot
9. No Cause to Kill (1980 Demo)
10. The Devil Take You (1980 Demo)
11. Back on the Road (1979 Demo)

---

Yeah, I decided to go more random on the "clearing out the CD shelf" stuff. The world doesn't need any more Alice in Chains reviews, because you oughtta know by now whether you like them or not. And if you don't like Alice in Chains, screw you.

Man...

In addition to being bummed about not being able to update on Judas Priest Friday, I'm starting to rethink the format here. Yeah, it's a way to force me to listen to stuff I never listen to, but damn, the next thing in alphabetical order is Alice in Chains, and everyone and their mom knows what all their stuff sounds like, making a review kind of pointless. I think as far as the random reviews, I'm just going to skip around the list to what's interesting or what I've most recently picked up for five bucks off the used CD rack. Also, music video reviews could be potentially hilarious, and this option is being explored. I wonder if that Sound Barrier video is on YouTube...

Mastodon - Blood Mountain

(Reprise Records, 2006)
Oh man. A new Mastodon record, following up 2004's Leviathan, which everyone and their dad proclaimed to be the best thing ever a couple years ago. And adding to the pressure, it's a major label debut. Could they live up to the hype? Or would Warner Bros. find a way to make them suck? I'm happy to report that this, the first CD I've ever made a point to buy the very day it came out, (which was kind of a mistake, as the limited version that included a DVD wasn't at the store yet...) was better than I had hoped it would be. Musically, the progression that was there between Remission and Leviathan continues in a more melodic, less pound-you-over-the-head heavy direction, (not to say that they don't have head-pounding moments here, though) but the usual elements of their sound are still intact, for the most part. There are still guitar riffs that sound like guitar solos from a lesser band, the drummer still goes nuts every five seconds, and it's still Mastodon's signature sound of huge-ass riffs that will crush your house, groovy stoner rock stuff, and something kinda resembling the fast parts from Swedish death metal all rolled into one. The dual vocals of Troy Sanders and Brent Hinds are usually more sung than screamed, growled, or grunted most of the time, and while neither guy is going to make you forget about Lionel freaking Richie with their masterful vocal delivery, what they do sounds absolutely perfect for the kind of music they make. And yes, they are essentially some form of progressive rock, but they don't display most of the annoying symptoms that progr rock tends to have. While Mastodon have never been afraid to show the world how well they can play their instruments, (especially ridiculously awesome drummer Brann Dailor, who once again seems to mistake every song for a drum solo) everything sounds like it really needs to be there, and it never degrades into the kind of Dream Theater-esque "look at my technical skill, wheeeeee" crap that sounds more like a demonstration than an actual song. And despite prog's excessive tendencies, the longest song on here is about five and a half minutes, and most are under four, meaning each song does what it needs to do and ends when it needs to, saving you from having to sit through a meandering ten-minute sleep aid. (I'm looking at you, Tool.) And lastly - and most importantly - Mastodon never forgot how to rock. It might be a concept album, but the idea that it all needs to work toward the greater narrative doesn't take precedence over the fact that this is still basically a bunch of songs, and the greater narrative doesn't mean a damn thing if you can't remember anything about it once the album's over. So you don't necessarily have to sit through the whole thing in one sitting to enjoy it, and there are none of that "look how creative we are, here's three minutes of feedback in the middle of the song" poop that makes me want to punch babies every time I hear it happen. Basically, Mastodon have mastered progressive rock/metal by not doing the things that make it suck. Oh yeah, speaking of which, I guess I better mention the mind-boggling ass concept that I've managed to piece together from lyric sheets and band interviews. Okay. This dude meets these one-eyed Sasquatch dudes who tell him he has to find this special crystal skull, right? And he has to take it to the top of Blood Mountain. On the way there, he faces all kinds of crazy crap, like tree-dudes and avalanches and possibly pterodactyls, and at one point, he goes nuts from starvation and hypothermia and eats his own hand. Then, when he makes it to the top, it replaces his own skull with the crystal one, he sheds his reptilian brain, and all kinds of crazy enlightening and/or magical stuff happens. And if reading that didn't make you go "um what the hell" at least once, you're probably a member of the band Mastodon. But yeah, this is good, and you need this. And it's time to go out on a limb here, but I have to say it: Maybe I haven't heard enough of the stuff people have put out lately, maybe things have been slow since 1999, or maybe I just have shitty taste in music, but as it stands right now, this is my pick for Album of the Decade.

Track Listing:

1. The Wolf is Loose
2. Crystal Skull
3. Sleeping Giant
4. Capillarian Crest
5. Circle of Cysquatch
6. Bladecatcher
7. Colony of Birchmen
8. Hunters of the Sky
9. Hand of Stone
10. This Mortal Soil
11. Siberian Divide
12. Pendulous Skin

The Accüsed - Splatter Rock

(Nastymix Records, 1992)
The first thing that sticks out on this is that there's something wrong with the vocals on about half the album. I mean, there's always been something wrong with the vocals, but this time, they're wrong in a bad way. Like it's this high-pitched squeal that reminds me of Starscream or something. Man, I don't like that, either. At the point where I'm totally not liking this album, "Greenwood House of Medicine" comes on, and is like two minutes of just a drumbeat, some squeaky crap, and a bunch of samples, and I am starting to reeeeally not like this. "She's Back" has a pretty cool riff, and the cover of "Green Eyed Lady" is fun, but yeah, overall, I could do without this one.

Track Listing:

1. Two Hours Till Sunrise
2. Stick in a Hole
3. No Choice
4. Lettin' Go
5. Blind Hate / Blind Rage
6. Greenwood House of Medicine / Don't You Have a Woman
7. She's Back
8. Tearin' Me Apart
9. Green Eyed Lady
10. Brutality and Corruption
11. Living, Dying, Living in a Zombie World

The Accüsed - Straight Razor

(Nastymix Records, 1991)
Okay, almost done with the Accused reviews. I might have to come up with a new, more random way of doing things here, because when I get to someone like Anthrax or Megadeth that I have thirty zillion CDs of, things might get a bit tedious. Anyway, this one's going to be a lot quicker, because it's an E.P. Here, you have two songs and a live version of a third song from Grinning Like an Undertaker, (and this includes two of the very best songs from that album, for the record) one song that's on the next album, Splatter Rock, that I'll get to soon, and only three real, exclusive tracks found here. Two basically sound like songs from Grinning..., with the title track being particularly good, and the third is a way sped-up cover of "Saturday Night Special" by Lynyrd Skynyrd, that's everything we've come to except from random covers by The Accused. So yeah. Nothing too new or exciting, but it's pretty good.

Track Listing:
1. No Hope for Relief / Close Insight
2. The Corpse Walks
3. Straight Razor (Going for the Throat)
4. Down & Out
5. Saturday Night Special
6. Blind Hate / Blind Rage
7. Voices (Live)

The Accüsed - Grinning Like an Undertaker

(Nastymix Records, 1990)
Whoa, whoa whoa! They're on Nastymix Records? Nastymix!? Sir Mix-a-Lot's Label? What? Cosmo says you're fat, but he's not down with that! Not to worry, because the Accused haven't taken all that to heart and started doing songs about feeding women buttermilk biscuits until they have big, luscious asses. Zombies and blood and guts and stuff are still the order of the day, and if the music's changed any, it's actually heavier this time around. At this point, they're not afraid to slow things down from time to time and create a bit of atmosphere, which works wonders for songs like "Voices" and "The Corpse Walks." Things get weird, and probably not in a good way, in the awkward funk-laden rap track "Down & Out," which is still kind of neat, as it has the Accused successfully trying to do something resembling "getting funky." That hiccup aside, this is probably their best album. A lot more effort seemed to go into writing coherent songs, and it's a lot more memorable from start to finish.

Track Listing:
1. Pounding Nails (Into the Lid of Your Coffin)
2. Bullet-Ridden Bodies
3. The Corpse Walks
4. Grinning (Like an Undertaker)
5. Down & Out (Featuring the Mad Poet)
6. Cut & Dried
7. Dropping Like Flies
8. M is for Martha
9. Room 144 (Instrumental)
10. When I Was a Child
11. The Night
12. Voices
13. Boris the Spider
14. Tapping the Vein

The Accüsed - Martha Splatterhead's Maddest Stories Ever Told

(Combat Records, 1988)
Whoa. While the musical tightness and hints of actual song progression from More Fun Than an Open Casket Funeral are still there, the total superfast craziness of earlier stuff makes a lot of appearances here, mainly in the vocals, which sound less like the Tasmanian Devil on meth than maybe the Tasmanian Devil accidentally setting himself on fire while smoking crack. Yeah. Craziest of all might be their cover of "I'd Love to Change the World," which alternates between faithful-to-the-original acoustic parts sandwiched between speed metal parts with Blaine Cook screaming his ass off like he's got fire ants in his drawers or something the whole time. Things seem to calm down later in the album, and it's becoming apparent that they're putting a lot more imagination into the music than just "play fast and scream" at this point. Which isn't to say they don't play fast and scream most of the time; they're just finding bigger and better ways to get there. Or something. Then, all of a sudden, "Lights Out" barely even sounds like the Accused. It's more of a punk track, and the singing is done cleanly, in a way that makes me think it's not even the same guy. And to seal the deal, we get an acapella version of one of those goofy gross songs they would make you sing at summer camp or something. ("The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, in your stomach and out your mouth") That was weird.

Track Listing:
1. Psychomania
2. The Bag Lady Song
3. Inherit the Earth
4. Deception
5. Molly's X-Mas
6. I'd Love to Change the World
7. You Only Die Once
8. Sick Boy
9. Chicago
10. Starved to Death
11. War=Death
12. The Maddest Story Ever Told
13. Intro
14. Scared of the Dark
15. Losing Your Mind
16. Smothered Her Trust
17. Lights Out
18. The Hearse

The Accüsed - More Fun Than an Open Casket Funeral

(1987, Combat Records)
This time, the production values are a lot better, (Hey, Combat wasn't a major label, but they weren't chopped liver, either. I mean, they had freaking Megadeth.) and fittingly, the music seems to be a bit tighter and in-control this time around. That's not to say it's not still crazy and out-of-control, but the band's punk roots aren't as prevalent, and there's a little more complexity than the nonstop thrash-fest that Martha Splatterhead was. Also of note here is that the Accused's habit of doing covers of random, decidedly non-metal songs starts here, with Cliff Richard's "Devil Woman" making an appearance. This probably isn't as good overall as the album before it, but the Accused are two-for-two so far.
Track Listing:
1. Halo of Flies (The Deadly Blessing)
2. W.C.A.L.T. (We Can All Live Together)
3. Rape (Not a Love Song)
4. Lifeless Zone
5. Scotty
6. Devil Woman
7. Bethany Home (A Place to Die)
8. Mechanized Death (I Love to Drive)
9. S.H.C.
10. Judgment Day
11. Take No Prisoners (No One Left Alive)
12. Splatter Rock
13. Septi-Child
14. I'll Be Glad When You're Dead

The Accüsed - The Return of Martha Splatterhead

(Subcore Records - 1986)
Hey, this is more like it. If you've never heard the Accused before, you're missing some crazy crap. You've also got at least one thing in common with probably 98% of the population or so too, so you've got plenty going for you at this stage in the game. But I digress. Basically take thrash metal, mix some punk in there somewhere, speed it up, make it go totally crazy, and add a dude that totally sounds like a somewhat higher-pitched Tasmanian Devil. (You know, from the cartoons, not the actual animal, you dolts.) Then, feed the Tasmanian Devil guy meth until he starts seeing things. Bad things. This is what the Accused call "Splatter Rock." And it is good. I should mention that the production value kind of sucks, (and judging by the hisses and pops on my illegally downloaded copy, I'm not sure if it was ever released on CD) but a band as crazy as this almost seems to use something like that to their advantage. Horror movies with slick, high-budget production values tend to suck compared to the low-dollar ones, so why should a musical horror movie be any different?
Track Listing:
1. Martha Splatterhead
2. Wrong Side of the Grave
3. Take My Time
4. Distractions
5. Buried Alive
6. Show No Mercy
7. Slow Death
8. Autopsy
9. She's a Killer
10. In Death's Bed
11. Lonely Place
12. Fucking 4 Bucks
13. Martha's Revenge

745 Boyz - In Da Streets

(2000, Skinny Boy Productions)
I've never really been a big fan of rap/hip hop/etc., so it seems weird that I'd even own this, much less have it be the first review for my crappy little blog thing. But I'm going down the shelf in alphabetical order, and 7 comes before A, so there you go. I got this back in 2000 back when I worked at Kroger, when this one dude who worked in the meat department, who apparently is/was a 754 Boy, was selling copies for ten bucks, and I've always been a sucker for buying CDs directly from people that appear on them. (Still can't believe I bought that fucking Deerhoof CD, but I'll get to that later) And as of right now, I'm really mad at myself, because I totally can't remember the dude's name. I can picture his face in my mind, but I just can't recall what his name was. Christ, I worked with that guy for like two years. I'm a terrible person, and I'm going to hell. Anyway, back to the CD.
I'll start by saying my opinion on a rap CD is about as valid an opinion as Donald Rumsfeld's on the latest Napalm Death CD, so feel free to disregard this as soon as I'm done. The obvious problem is that with the apparently low budget that went into this, a lot of the beats sound like demos from the same Casio keyboard, and the lack of variety makes things kind of run together after a while. Also, there's an almost disturbing lack of bass in the recording, which is usually what this kind music is based on. It's like there is a bassline going, but it's way, way down in the mix, compared to the constant simulated hi-hat stuff going on in every track. As far as the lyrical delivery, it's kind of uneven, which I suppose could be expected, as there seems to be like fifty-eight people making appearances on this thing. Sometimes, a guy will throw in a verse that could stand next to, or even surpass, the kind of stuff that sells three million copies and shows up on MTV Jams, and other times, you can't help but be reminded of OG Loc from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas embarrassing himself in public. One second, it'll be a guy who sounds like he taught Bone Thugs 'N Harmony everything they ever knew, and the next, it's one of those bullshit Mase-style "mumble in rhyme" non-rappers. Also, one guy on "Keep on Rollin'" sounds like the old pedophile guy on Family Guy who's always trying to bone Chris Griffin, but it's actually kind of cool-sounding, in a laid-back way. Aside from that, the only other complaint I can think of is that almost everything here is in the five-minute range, which is a bit excessive. Overall, though, this is really, really well-done for something recorded in fucking Shaw.
On the other hand, it is just weird to hear people talk about Cleveland and Shaw, Mississippi as though they're South Central L.A. or something.

Track Listing:
1. Into
2. Shaw Town
3. Life of Sin
4. Weed-N-Gs
5. Time 2 Shine
6. My Word
7. Keep on Rollin'
8. Hatin' On
9. Out in Da' Streetz
10. Ride Wit Da 754
11. Shake Dat Azz
12. Interlude - 754 Radio Station
13. Letz Get High
14. Don't Stop II
15. R-U-A Baller
16. Chevy Thang

---

This is the first installment in the A-to-Z CD Shelf Review Series, which is my way of forcing myself to finally listen to all the crap I have collecting dust over there. I'll normally do one of these every Wednesday, but the days between Monday, Wednesday, or Friday are mine to do (or not do) with as I please. Anyway, if you want some idea of what's coming next, check my CD list that's totally under construction right now.

Hey.

Testes? One, Two... Three?