Judas Priest - Turbo

(CBS Records, 1986)
Hoo boy. Things start out ugly on this one, with "Turbo Lover" sounding like some 80s techno thing that's as disturbingly catchy as it is not very good. And that pretty much sums up this album. It sucks and gets stuck in your head, creating the sucky gift that keeps on fucking giving. Seriously, I love Judas Priest and all, but for the most part this blows. I'm not sure if there was label pressure to have a hit song or if it was all "OMG SELLOUT JP SUXORS," but this whole album seems to wobble back and forth between weak synth-pop and the worst kind of glammy arena rock that you would totally beat the crap out of if you could somehow make it manifest itself in human form. This is like what Dokken would be like if they had keyboards and Rob Halford, who totally wouldn't be able to offset the stupid keyboards. And it doesn't help matters much for the album cover to apparently depict someone gripping what appears to be some sort of peppermint wang. I guess it just goes to show you...



Track Listing:
1. Turbo Lover
2. Locked In
3. Private Property
4. Parental Guidance
5. Rock You Around the World
6. Out in the Cold
7. Wild Nights, Hot & Crazy Days
8. Hot for Love
9. Reckless
(And I'm assuming modern versions have bonus tracks)

Judas Priest - British Steel

(1980, Epic Records)

Oh man. This will probably be the most in-depth Judas Priest review I do, since this is the one I've owned the longest, listened to the most, and probably think is the most awesome. I mean seriously, if you've ever been in a car, listening to "Breaking the Law" on a dubbed cassette and you DIDN'T stop whatever you were doing to sing along with the chorus, you can't be my friend, and I am being serious. And it doesn't let up from there. Well, maybe a little, but "Rapid Fire" is awesome. And then, there's "Metal Gods," and they could probably sue the guy who wrote The Terminator for stealing their song to make a movie out of, and "Grinder" is really good if you can resist giggling at lines like "no more straight and narrow" and "looking for meat," now that you know Rob Halford likes dudes. And United is kind of cheesy, but it sounds like something that should be played over the closing credits of some stereotypical 80s movie, and that's never a bad thing. And "Living After Midnight," which is the song they put on the greatest hits stuff most of all, shows us once again that absolutely no one - NO ONE - does the "let's all go out and rock and roll party, yeah" song better than Judas Priest. And after that, it kind of drags for the last three songs, but those are still quite listenable, and most people's albums hit the wall after like four tracks, so shut up, Judas Priest rules. You require this CD, record, or tape immediately.

Track Listing:

1. Breaking the Law
2. Rapid Fire
3. Metal Gods
4. Grinder
5. United
6. Living After Midnight
7. You Don't Have to Be Old to Be Wise
8. The Rage
9. Steeler
(And if you buy it these days, there's a bonus track or two. Hey.)